if I look back, I'm lost
by TheAlgea
Summary: My hand is shaking when I write this and I am still not sure if I want to do this. In my dreams I am haunted by guilt, guilt for what I should have done and guilt of things I never should have done. But there's no way back, If I look back, I'm lost.


**Author's note:**** Hello again here's a new fic! This one is almost definitely going to be multi-chap! It's been in my mind for quite some time and I decided to give it a shot, In my previous fics Narcissa wasn't that important but in this one she is! I wanted an 'outsider' (meaning not Draco nor Lucius) to be the one to tell the story and since I sincerely HATE OC Narcissa it was! I don't own anything it's all JK Rowling's and I hope you like it, please review?**

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My hand is shaking when I write this and I am still not sure if I want to do this. In my dreams I am haunted by guilt, guilt for what I should have done and guilt of things I never should have done. Maybe by writing this, my soul shall find rest? But then again there's no rest for the wicked… Who am I? I am Narcissa Malfoy néé Black, wife of Lucius Malfoy and proud mother of Draco. Where should I start? There is so much to tell and so little time. Maybe I should not be doing this, but my hand, while it was shaking mere moments ago, is steady now and I feel that perhaps this IS the right time. And if it isn't, there's no way back, _If I look back, I'm lost._

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A story always starts at the beginning and ends at the end, since this is the end I should start with the beginning.

I still remember the day as of it was yesterday and often I wish it was. Though the pain of giving birth to a child is not something pleasant the feeling of having created new life makes up for everything. I remember the healer, his name I do not. He had brown curly hair and was a pureblood of course. Lucius would never have me being nursed by a half-blood or worse a mublood! His eyes were soft but it were the ones of a man who has not seen the horrors and sometimes the reality of life. I once had those eyes but now I do not know anymore. I remember him smiling at me and I remember the words he spoke.

"A very healthy baby, Mss. Malfoy "

I barely looked up, I was too busy looking at my son.

_Draco_

Blond hair and grey eyes he looked like the most adoring baby ever, but then again every mother thinks that of her child. His eyes were closed now and he looked like an angel who had fallen asleep. I only looked up when I heard the door open. There he stood, my husband, Lucius Malfoy looking proud and tall even in a hospital. His eyes locked with mine for a moment and then they darted to his son. Maybe I was mistaking or maybe I just desperately wanted to believe it but I thought I detected some pride in those eyes. Like Lucius was already proud he had a son.

"Do you want to hold him?" I asked. At the sound of my voice the baby in my arms opened his eyes. Confused he looked at me, then he realized there was someone else in the room. Small grey-blue eyes met stormy grey ones. The baby looked up at his father with something that looked ridiculously much like awe.

"That is your father, Draco," I said, the boy turned his attention back to me, but not for long, soon enough his eyes darted to his father again. I glanced up, Lucius wasn't even looking at his child anymore, staring through the window as if something that happened outside was more important than his first-born son.

"When will she be able to go home?" I had already forgotten the healer was still in the room? The guy had been awfully quiet and when Lucius addressed him he jumped. Looking more nervous than a young girl on her first day of school he stammered.

"Three days, if everything goes like it should,"

"Why should it NOT go as it should?" Lucius asked calmly but his eyes were focused on the young healer. Cold and demanding Lucius always frightened people. What did I say? He scared the shit out of everyone.

"I-I didn't say a-anything will go wrong, sir I just meant…"

"Do you think my wife is weak? That she cannot give birth to a son properly? Or are you suggesting that my heir is not healthy? That he is weak? Do you think of the Malfoy family as weak?" His voice was ice cold and the healer paled. Being a pureblood he knew all too well just how powerful Lucius was and how sorry he would be if he got on his wrong side.

"I apologies, sir I meant no disrespect, It is standard procedure to make sure your wife and son are okay before we let them go back home." The healer looked like he was going to pee himself; before Lucius could torture him anymore I intervened.

"You can go," I said, "I'm fine."

Lucius returned his gaze to the window and didn't even look up when the healer almost tripped in his hurry to leave the room.

"Don't torture my healers, honey" I said. Lucius just smiled. But then the smile disappeared and he turned around.

"I will not have time to visit you in the hospital so I will see you in three days," With that he marched out of the room. I didn't know how to feel, disappointed, because he left me here, or relieved? I knew Lucius' childhood had been anything but pleasant. Both his parent were, well, horrible parents. Abraxras was a terrible father and I felt afraid Lucius would be just like his father. Around me he was, most of the time, a wonderful person who loved and cared for me no matter what some people thought. Yes or marriage had been arranged before our birth but we loved each other nonetheless. I still do, but now it is more complicated. However my doubts were soon forgotten. Draco, after realizing the man that was his father, was gone started crying for no apparent reason. I tried everything but he just wouldn't stop. My cheeks burned from humiliation when I realized everybody in the hallway must've heard my baby's cries. I tried to shush him I even tried to sing a song my mother used to sing for me, nothing worked. The boy kept on staring at the door his father had disappeared. Perhaps it was a sign but back then I just didn't notice it. For all I knew Draco just felt like crying for a while.

It was midnight by the time I got my son settled. He was sleeping but he looked as distressed as a new-born baby could look, as if he already had problems and issues even when just born.

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The three days went by quicker than I would've expected and it wasn't long before I stood in the massive hallway of Malfor Manor. The baby in my hands was sleeping, thumb tucked in his mouth and drooling a bit. A house-elf appeared immediately bowing so low it's nose almost touched the ground.

"Miss Malfoy, ma'am," It said.

"Where's my husband?" I snapped irritated that my son's and mine homecoming had to be with a house-elf.

"Master Malfoy, is not home, master Malfoy is working, ma'am," it squeaked.

"Go get me some food," I snapped before going to Draco's room. It was already prepared, a long time ago. I put Draco in his little bed but before I could even leave the room Draco started screaming, I turned around and ran to my baby's side. It had been quiet the last day why was Draco crying now? I rocked him back and forth, whispered soothing words but again nothing helped, my son kept on crying.

It wasn't long before Lucius got home, and he was greeted by the loud wailing of a little infant. I knew Lucius liked his peace and quiet so I wasn't surprised when he came storming in the room.

"Why is he crying?" he asked angrily. He didn't await my answer.

"If you can't get him quiet in one hour I will put a mute spell on him so we can sleep peacefully!"

"Lucius!" I exclaimed but he was already gone, muttering under his breath. So he had been drinking then…

I do not remember how but eventually I got Draco settled. The hour had past long ago but I had managed to convince Lucius to give me two more hours. The first day home went just perfect…

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Draco was two months now and still every night he cried. One night I couldn't handle it anymore, and now I regret that night, it was something I never should have done. I left my baby boy alone with Lucius. But I just couldn't handle it anymore. The only help Lucius offered was to mute or only son but I forbade him to.

I remember how I walked away, just like that to go to a bar and drink some alcohol and try and find peace. I do not know how long I sat there at a chic bar but I remember going back. After too much alcohol I had decided to go home. But when I came home everything was quiet. At first I didn't realize it but then it hit me, Lucius! I ran to Draco's room as fast as I could slamming the door open I stormed in the room. In the middle of Draco's bedroom stood his bed. I rushed to my baby's side and when I saw he was okay I looked around. Draco was sleeping and right next to his bed, on his bedside table was a bottle. I picked it up cautious and sniffed it. _Sleeping potion_

I felt anger rise up in my chest. How could he? How could he force his only son to drink a potion that could be dangerous for his health? What is something had happened? What is Draco had swallowed too much and wouldn't wake up anymore? I stormed out of the room determined to find my husband and yell at him. I found him in his study, reading a book as if nothing had happened.

"How could you?" I yelled the moment I stepped foot in the study.

"Be quiet Narcissa Can't you see I am very busy?" He said.

I snorted "Busy poisoning your son!" I accused.

"I assure you I have done nothing like that, I merely wanted some peace and quiet and I find it quite affective." He told me as soon as he realized what I was referring to.

"You could have killed him!" I yelled.

"If you do your duty as a mother, I won't have to!" and with those words he stood and left the study, leaving me standing there and letting me believe it was all my fault. But then again it still is…

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**Did you like it? I hope so, there's not much Draco abuse but I guess I can't let Lucius hurt his son to badly when he's still this young, the next chap though will handle some abuse, don't like don't read! What do you think about Narcissa's P.O.V? I quite liked it myself I hope you did as well, please review!**

**Ps. If I look back, I'm lost is a quote from 'a song of ice and fire' by Daenerys Targaryen**

**Written-on-porcelain: I hope you liked it! Because now you'll have to make 7 chapters and more to come so prepare!**

**xxTheAlgea**


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